And We're Off!!!

Wow, I truly can't believe it's mid/late September and this transition to school is well underway. Eliza started preschool on September 8th (2x/week) and Lukas began full-day kindergarten on September 10th. Throughout all this, I've felt so affirmed that we're at a great community and have fantastic options for our kids. Eliza's preschool is in a community center where the kids help out with a community garden, have access to a real theater, and interact with seniors who attend classes in the building. Her teachers are sweet. They even rub the kids' backs at nap time to help them sleep. Lukas's school is a 5-10 minute walk from our house, just up the block and through the park. The sense of community is a major priority for the principal and parents and community volunteers are very involved. It's the most diverse elementary school in the city and the principal and staff are responsive to research/best practices and students' needs. When I asked about some accommodations Lukas may need, his teacher described strategies she and the support staff had used and even described how she explains to other students that everyone has tools and strategies to help them be their "best learner." As a good friend described it, "God has placed [us] so well…so well." Lukas's teacher loves music and movement and prioritizes play and rest time (in an era when there's pressure to load up more academic content on kindergarteners than ever before).

Eliza's first day of preschool:
Eliza cutie-pieza was so excited for her big day! Since Lukas wouldn't start school for two more days, the spotlight was on her. See her proud smile?

I said a prayer in the car on the way to school and Eliza was getting quieter the closer we got to school. As we walked down the hallway, she walked so slowly. In a tiny voice, she said, "Mama, I want to hide." Oh sweet darling, so able to describe her nervous feelings. The classroom was busy with other newbie kiddos and we found the right place for her lunch box, bag, and jacket. Eliza had just begun hugging my leg and whining when one of the teachers with whom she'd connected at a previous visit came over. She greeted Eliza warmly and Eliza went right to her and got involved in an activity. A little dumbfounded, I walked out with Lukas. At the end of the day, Eliza had a huge, proud smile. Each day since, she's given me a huge hug and said, "Mama, I had a great day!" when I enter the room. She often shares her artwork with great enthusiasm and sometimes even wants to hold my hand in the car on the ride home.

My little man and I had a special date day while Eliza was in school that first day. We started the morning with OT, then went to our favorite Lone Lake. We played at the park first then had our picnic lunch on the dock. We laid on our stomachs and watched the minnows devour our sandwich crusts. We looked for "colorful trees" and talked about how the lake would be covered in snow come winter (Lukas can't wait!). I insisted we go on a little walk before heading to the much-anticipated donut shop. About 20 feet down the path, Lukas pointed to some steps leading back to the parking lot: "Let's go that way. Those stairs will make our walk short so we can go to the donut shop!" After a delicious donut that was gobbled incredibly quickly, we went through the car wash, one of Lukas's favorite activities.

Lukas's first day of kindergarten:
Man, oh, man, what a morning! Lukas got up as usual and ate breakfast. After a couple rounds of trampoline jumping while listening to the "Everything is Awesome" song, it looked like he was ready to get dressed. But as his nerves built up, he got increasingly whiny and helpless. Andy was home for the morning and was trying to help. About 15 minutes before we had to meet the bus, I took a little mental freeze-frame that looked like this:
- Lukas in a moaning pile on the floor. "I'm too tired" means so many things-overwhelmed, scared, nervous, ate too much, sick, actually tired….
- Eliza happily observing as she eats breakfast and sports some amazing bed head.
- Me trying to be encouraging, but increasingly using threats and ineffective consequences as my voice gets higher and tighter with frustration and urgency. I'm tugging Lukas's shoes onto his feet and lifting his floppy body up to standing position. Honestly, getting mad at Andy for disengaging.
- Andy's in a daze on the couch. I'm not sure exactly how he was feeling, but my guess is: 1) angry and frustrated after numerous attempts to get Lukas on track 2) in despair about how this kid is going to hold it together today let alone in the great big world.

We all tumbled out the door, snapped a couple of pictures, and held hands walking down the street. Hearing the bus coming, we jogged to the stop, gave Lukas a squeeze and saw that he found his friend on the bus. Off he goes, probably a little confused. As Andy, Eliza, and I walked home, I started to sob. "I hope he's OK." Still crying, I said goodbye to Andy and got Eliza in the car to go to preschool. Andy followed the bus and watched Lukas get off the bus and into school. In the meantime, I was trying to hold it together, but Eliza was concerned about my tears and clung to me desperately in her classroom. I agreed to sit during story time in hopes of helping her transition. The story was about a mother duck whose ducklings go out to play and don't come back…I was a mess. After a couple more attempts to leave gracefully, a teacher held screaming Eliza while I took the side exit, sobbing. Sheesh!

Eliza was happy almost right away and was so sweet and cuddly at pick-up. Andy, Eliza, and I then walked to Lukas's school to pick him up. When Andy went inside to get him, Lukas said he didn't want to walk home, he wanted to ride the bus with his neighbor friend, C!! Surprised, we walked to the bus stop where C's mom came with a plate of cookies. The bus took 45 minutes, but we chatted munched on cookies, and greeted the kindergarteners as they came off the bus. Lukas said his "battery was at 2%" so we played a bit and headed home.

My Take-Aways

I have been so surprised by how emotionally exhausting these past couple of weeks have been! I think I was so distracted by summer fun, then logistics of paperwork and meetings, etc, that I hadn't really soaked in the fact that Lukas's starting kindergarten was the beginning of his life-long trajectory outward/toward independence. I know this is something to celebrate and I'm so proud of how much he's grown and developed to be thriving during this huge step, BUT damn, I have been so tearful! It wasn't until the day before Lukas's school started, when we met my dear friend and her sweet kids (her daughter, K and Lukas are so close since my friend watched Lukas 2-to-3 days/week until his was 2). My friend and I had a good cry that day and the tears were pretty consistent for several days, along with lots of fatigue. I've spoken to so many other parents of kindergarteners who are feeling the same way.

I knew I would enjoy new rhythms with fall and I think we've found a few good ones:

- While I thought we would bike or walk to and from school, it turns out that Lukas's friend, C, is such a highlight of his day that he wants to ride with her to school. As he explains about his talkative little friend, "I want to ride with C because I like her visiting." Eliza and I have been picking him up in the wagon as he's pretty wiped out after school. On the way home, we eat a snack or stop to pick and eat raspberries by the park. Yesterday, Lukas read a book to Eliza on the ride home.

- When Lukas gets home from school, he's definitely tired, but also very motivated to play with his sister. They get along so well and really squeeze a lot of Lego fun into the late afternoon. When they were playing together today, I heard Eliza say, "What is the heck of dat?!" Hmmm, not sure where they get their material.
- Eliza and I like to bake and cook together. Below she's making pear pie.

- It's been fun to be with Eliza one-on-one and enjoy her vivacious personality. Although adding to-do's and errands is tempting and easily do-able now that Lukas is out of the house, his starting school serves as a reminder to me to prioritize being present with Eliza on our days together.
- On the short days that I have on my own, I'm planning to seek out part-time work and am excited to reconnect with colleagues and acquaintances, attend meetings/events, etc. I'm trying not to be super nervous about this step, but I am. I'm trying not to over-think it and be too meticulous in each step, but I am. I'm so excited to contribute my skills, knowledge, and experience to some broader goals and I look forward to seeing what's next! I've been reading "Let Your Life Speak" by Parker Palmer and "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown.